DatingComedian Lane Moore has crafted an entire show out of swiping left, and right, on the app over the last four years. Here are her biggest takeaways
In 2014, I started Tinder Live! – a comedy show exploring the crazy world of Tinder. This means that in the last five years, I’ve spent many, many hours browsing the app (so much so in fact that I am relieved there’s no way to know how many hours I lost on there).
Like many people, I’ve had multiple profile versions, and deleted and undeleted my profile countless times. It’s come to the point where I frequently see the same men and think, “You’ve come up like five times now buddy, what’s going on, are you OK?”
Through all this swiping, I like to think I’ve learned a lot about men. To be fair, “men” in this case can mean men I’ve never met but see a lot on Tinder, men I did meet on Tinder and men I talked to on Tinder but never went out with. Here’s what I learned, using an admittedly broad brush because it’s what dating apps push you to do: sense a pattern and then become upset by how persistent the pattern is, leading you to believe (usually falsely) that everyone is the same.
They don’t want to be ‘just’ pen pals … but they also don’t want to meet
This blows my mind. So many men on Tinder will bemoan becoming pen pals, say they don’t want their time wasted and just want to meet already, but will also think that their saying “Hey” and asking you how your Sunday was, the end, should be enough conversation for you to invest $50 and two hours getting ready and traveling to a bar to see if they’re worth your night out.
I guess the idea here is to have no connection at all, and presume this guy is the total package, and to spend a few hours in person seeing if you’re wrong because, eh, what’s a waste of a night of your life? I don’t get this, I’ll never get this, and I hate it.
They might want casual sex, but aren’t willing to admit it
I’ve seen so many men try to find a cute, chill way to say in their bio that casual sex is fine I guess, but they’d prefer a connection lol no big deal or not haha whatever: here’s a quote from The Office. It’s such a bummer and so relatable. Because while men are busy trying to be coy about whether or not they want something more, so are women.
But what if, WHAT IF, we were both honest and both got what we truly wanted?
They seem super interested – then they ignore you
I don’t know if it’s in an effort to play it cool, but even men who “super like you” will not message you. They won’t message you first, leaping at the chance to because OMG you liked them back and they liked you so much! And they might not even message you back if you message them first.
Nope, they super liked you, just to let you know they’d … what? Super bang you? I have no idea, but it really bums me out.
They either really love online dating – or really hate it
I’m convinced the guys who match with you and never message you just love online dating because they like having a capsule full of women who would, in their minds, definitely sleep with them. Which is bizarre because when I swipe right, it’s because someone’s face – combined with my very vague idea of who they are – is enough to get me to the next level. I want to know how they speak, how they treat me, how their mind works, what jokes they tell, what they do, who they are, how they’d be to date. And then maybe, maybe I’ll meet them and see if I wanna meet them again.
I don’t think I’ve ever swiped right on someone and thought, “10/10 would fuck. I don’t even need to know if this guy has a brain, or if he hates gay people, or has a swastika tattoo. Nope, my vagina says yes!” But whatever you need to tell yourself, dudes.
And then there are the yellers. These are the guys whose profiles just say, “I’m on here to get off this app. Please don’t waste my time. If you can’t carry a conversation, swipe LEFT!!!”
I get it. Spend long periods of time on any dating app with the intention of finding even the most fleeting meaningful connection and you’re bound to get to a point where you’re tempted to make your profile, “OMG if you don’t want to meet someone on here swipe left, seriously, WTF I’m a good person!!!!!!!”
The yelling and aggression aside, it’s comforting for me to know that some men are as fed up as women are with the games and the flakiness and the waste of time that dating apps can be.
There is no magic age where men suddenly become perfect
I’ve had friends tell me I should change my settings to include much older men, but I have to tell you I’ve had zero experience with older men being kinder or more engaging or self-aware or more forthcoming and giving on dating apps. In my experience, you’re just as likely to find a man who seems sweet and takes you on cute dates and is charming and fun and 23, as it is to find a guy who is boring and selfish and lazy and 38.
The idea that all older men are wonderful gems and all young men are worthless erections is reductive and untrue. So calm down, everyone! Let’s just stop advising each other to choose a 50-year-old dude when we’re 25.
Good men do exist on dating apps!
As much as it could be easy to end this on a negative beat, I will not do it.
If I thought dating apps were full of creeps and losers and nothing more, I wouldn’t be on them at all. Many guys whose profiles are absolutely ridiculous end up being surprisingly sweet. And that is how I know, or at least suspect, that sometimes the guys with the ridiculous profiles are just trying to be what they think women want them to be.
They’re trying to be what we’re all trying to be online: fun and casual and with an appropriate and not too excessive amount of human feelings. And the good news is, sometimes they let themselves go beyond that and actually connect with the person in front of them.
I have so many friends who met their now husbands and wives on Tinder. It happens, and in increasing numbers. And they’ll sometimes blush and regrettably tell their story: it’s stupid, yeah, we met on Tinder, I know, it’s weird. But that’s what keeps me swiping, and I think that’s what keeps the gems – the really incredible gems of men who I’m still really excited to meet – swiping too.
Five things people should stop doing on Tinder
1. Which one is it? Whenever I see a group of people in a Tinder photo, I call it “Which one is it: the game”. Are you in a cult? Is this a group thing? Are you incapable of being alone? Either way, I hate this and all genders do it. Please stop.
2. Writing that you’re a feminist in your bio if you’re an heterosexual man. Why did you need to write that your interests were “pizza, beer, and thinking women deserve equal rights?” I’m glad you’re interested in that but again, why is that there?
3. Sending a ‘hey’ message. How are we going to get anywhere good that won’t end in us saying, “What’s up?” “Not much” and both wanting to punch ourselves until we fall asleep alone in separate rooms?
4. Saying you don’t want casual sex when you totally do. We’re going to meet you and eventually find out you just want casual sex so please just say that and save us all some time, no shame in honesty there.
5. Not messaging at all. I know you’re probably tired of sending the first message (I send lots of them myself) but what’s better? Being “right” and single, or sending the first message?
Lane Moore is a comedian, writer, actor, musician and creator of the critically acclaimed comedy show Tinder Live. Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t, comes out 6 November 2018 through Atria/Simon & Schuster.
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